With the dust just settling on the end of the longest and most legitimate marriage of all time, Hollywood has decided to keep on with its mission of destroying our collective wills to live by throwing us these curve balls:
After two years of marriage, the Death Cab for Cutie frontman and the indie dreamgirl decided to call it quits, with Ben citing “I caught her listening to ’Moves Like Jagger’” as the reason for the split. Kidding, kidding. Apparently it was all amicable and everybody’s friends and blah de blah blah.
Poor Ben. First “Codes and Keys“, and now THIS? Guess their “Plans” just didnt work out….despite his best efforts, he just couldn’t “Possess her heart“…. or maybe Zooey couldn’t live with the deafening “sound of settling” for one more minute. Ok, ok.. I’m done.
Some 20-year-old ho in L.A. is saying that the Biebs is allegedly the father of her baby. Apparently she was handpicked from the crowd by his bodyguards to go back stage and hook up with him, and in a statement she released, said that the act lasted for (get this) 30 SECONDS!!!
Girlfriend was already selling the rights to her and Justin’s love story (working title: “One Less Lonely Girl“) – but turns out the Biebs wasn’t having any of it, and was hot on Selena. So now, like all good hos do, she’s suing his ass and making him take a paternity test.
……Nick Jonas not lookin so bad now, is he Selena?? Stealing him back from that Delta Goodrem chick shouldn’t be too hard - bitch is 26 and over the hill… just trap her in a room and make her listen to “Who Says” on repeat until she submits.. she’ll be crying uncle within 10 minutes
God help us all………..bring on the maternity overalls!